Just over seven months ago we became a family of four.
If going from no children to one was earth shatteringly life changing, then going from one to two has been a tough old slog. In so many ways much much easier. But in many ways harder than I expected.
I love that I don’t worry about every decision I make. I guess having one child who seems to have turned out alright gives you the confidence to believe you can do it again!
I absolutely adore watching Esther and Seth make each other giggle. Their relationship is one of the best things about having two children.
I completely dislike the mum guilt. I feel guilty that Seth isn’t getting enough of my attention. I feel guilty that I have to hold Seth for so much of the day that I can’t play when Esther wants me to. I get stressed that the house is a mess and tea isn’t cooked. I wish mum guilt would do one.
I didn’t expect the differences. I knew Seth wouldn’t be the same as Esther; to start with he is a boy and can spray his wee in a way Esther never could! But I didn’t expect that he wouldn’t like food until after six months old or that he’d still be waking five times a night at seven months or that he would sleep in our bed for the first four months.
I enjoy watching the differences as they grow .. and similarities. There are photos of Esther and Seth where if you cut off the hair and body you wouldn’t be able to tell who was who; since birth they have been each other’s double and I didn’t expect that at all. It is so fascinating to see what they are doing that is different and what is similar and to remember what Esther was like at the age Seth is.
Being a mama to two has made me realise I am not a sit still, snuggly kind of mama. I’ve seen a few mamas post photos and stories of how they are loving their baby snuggles and I realised it’s just not me. Don’t get me wrong, I love snuggles with both of them, for a limited period of time. But I like to get up and do and be busy and be able to play. Maybe I’m missing something of motherhood here? I feel like I should love that bit and do feel like I would have loved the baby snuggles a bit more had I not felt uber guilty about not being able to play with my two year old.
It has also taught me that I am not always a calm, patient or kind mama. Having two is so stretching and in the moments of mum guilt, screaming baby, crying toddler the two little ones do not see the best of me. I definitely had more patience and a quieter voice when there was just one child demanding my attention. This has been one of the things about the last seven months that has made me saddest because I want my babies to know they’re loved and to be encouraged and I want to model life well to them and whilst I know there are times I do get it right, I do feel like I could be doing this a lot better just now. But I guess I’ve got a whole heap more years of practice yet so there’s always time for this to change right?!
Getting to know Seth is such a privilege and it feels like we are turning little corners now that he can almost properly sit up and he is enjoying food and is sleeping fairly well in the day. Learning how to be a mama to two will be something that I am sure will always stretch me beyond what I think I can do but I love having the two of them around. When Seth snuggles in to my neck or Esther shows me something new that she can do; when Seth throws his water on the floor and giggles a cheeky giggle or Esther runs up to Seth with a toy to make him happier. Those are the moments when your heart smiles.
It’s a hard slog.
But for sure it’s a slog I’d do over again for these two.