A is for…

… adventure

This sounds entirely cliched I know but parenting really has been the biggest adventure of my life to date. For the purpose of this post I thought I’d look into what an adventure is defined as and I liked this best:

“An adventure is an exciting experience that is typically a bold, sometimes risky, undertaking” – cheers Wikipedia

We were definitely so excited for Esther’s arrival but of course there was an element of risk – when you are doing something you have absolutely zero idea about you’re hedging a lot of bets that you’ll be able to do it.

And along the way there has been lots of excitement, joys and highs as well as breath holding moments, tears and ‘I don’t know if I can do this’ moments – all of these I think sum up adventure. It has been beautiful, chaotic, unknown, full of giggles and free flowing tears, sleepless nights and extra naps, questions, answers, sometimes no answers. It most definitely hasn’t been boring. Most of all it has been life changing.

If someone asked me whether I’d do this adventure again, my answer?

It would be an out and out YES, every time.

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In writing this I decided I couldn’t pin each letter down to one thing and I felt like this one was an important thing to talk about. So A is also for…

… anxiety

Since becoming a mama I’ve definitely known a new level of anxiety in life that I didn’t know before. Generally I’m a pretty chilled, happy kinda gal .. with the odd hormonal bout of tears chucked in!

I don’t think I even realised I was anxious as a mama until I saw other people put what I was feeling into words. I’m thankful for people like the beautiful Nicola T [check out her insta; it is so beautiful!] who voiced the first day post holiday anxiety and this truth filled post by Desiree that gives us mamas space to not be ok.  Her insta is hilarious by the way.

There have been a few times in these last twelve months that I have questioned whether I had post natal depression. Maybe I did. I’m still not sure. It’s hard to know what is ‘normal’ and what is just first time mum unknownness and crazy hormones. I know there have been a number of days in the past year when knowing I had a day ahead with my little one on my own filled me with anxiety. Maybe it’s a British thing, maybe it’s just because I’m a pragmatic person but I just mustered up my courage and ploughed on with the day without really making time to take those feelings into account. Maybe that’s another peril of not having much ‘me time’ in the first year.

Going back to work and outside of the all consuming mum world a bit more has made me realise that my mental health hasn’t been on point in this last year. There have been joys and definite months of happiness and highs but I’d be lying if I said I’d found being a mum easy. I haven’t. This year has definitely affected my mental health and that feels fragile and sad to say. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and I think [hope] that I am getting there.

To all the mamas out there battling with doubts, anxieties, fears, feeling that you aren’t good enough; you are wonderful. It is hard and sometimes lonely. And sometimes we need a bit of time out and some help. But don’t ever doubt that you are wonderful.

xx

And yes, as you might have noticed from this post, I may be a little bit very addicted to Instagram!

2 thoughts on “A is for…

  1. This is lovely and I’m sure every first time Mum feels and relates to so much of what you’ve written here. Such a brave and strong lady to say these things out loud. I remember feeling so panicked if I knew I was having a day alone with baby with no plans xx

    Like

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